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| wow. i kind of, sort of, semi but not really know what it feels like to be a parent... at least the working part. i can understand why my parents can be very grumpy when they come home after work, why they asked me to do things around the house when they come home after work, and why they sleep oh so early when they come home after work because after work you feel like curling up and dying on the sofa from exhaustion. i get sleepy at 9:00 pm. how sad is that? very sad. whole 24 hour days are lost when you work. not lost in that i didn't get anything done, but lost when i think of all the other things i could have done. the potential is what i long for.
but then again... given that the weekdays are so depressing, it makes the weekends so much more fun. going to the beach, the park, or just to get ice cream is the highlight of my week. besides, weekends are for enjoying the little things like sleeping in and waking up naturally... at least i don't have homework. if i did too may wondrous and exciting things every day instead of going to work, i would a) be broke and b) lose the value of them as rare and special events in my life...
or at least that's what i tell myself.
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| oh work... it wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't full time... but it is...
now i half know what it is like being an adult. i just started working three days ago and i'm already dreading the thought of leaving my precious college days and entering the working world. it isn't so much that i dislike what i'm doing, but i miss the constant change in scenery, the walking to and from class, seeing a wider variety of people hour by hour. i dunno how long i can stand being indoors all the time. thankfully, the weather hasn't been the usual sunny san diego so i don't feel THAT cooped up... yet.
oh well. i suppose the REAL reason why i yearn to be free from this job is that everyone else seems to be off free with their summer. the days are their own. by i have, once again, sold my soul. the salk institue owns it now.
ATTENTION: I NOW FORMALLY REQUEST THAT NO GLEEFUL ACTIVITY, JOYOUS OCCASION, OR FREE-SPIRITED REVERY BE HELD BETWEEN THE DAYLIGHT HOURS OF THE WORKING DAY.
..... cause then i can't go. 
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| i know it is human nature to complain about things and find things to complain about. i don't like that. but i'm gunna do a little of it anyway.
just as i started to figure out what i was going to do with my life, got a full-time job over the summer, and have actually been taking real steps in trying to achieve the things that i set out for myself, things get all complicated and weird again. that's not to say that my life is ridiculously convoluted, but i kinda... almost... sorta... wish for some routine nowadays. it is probably the fact that i'm at home. going home is the time to do everything that can't be done at school. especially since i'm home for not even a week that it feels like there wasn't any time to settle back in before other things come up. argh. i hate complaining especially when i know i'm doing it. then shut up. if i'm not going to do it here then where else would i do it?? to a shrink. you're so mean. you mean "i'm so mean." true.
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| mann.. i never write in this thing. i'll try to fix that.
now it's time for the shameless out-pour of mindless ramblings that is only appropriate for an online weblog.
i think i'm a workaholic. the first week i don't have a job and i feel like i'm wasting my life already. the first time i've had a weekday afternoon to myself and i spend it in my pajamas in the living room on the computer watching episodes of The Big Bang Theory. that was fun for the first two days, but by wednesday i start to feel like kinda gross. it's not that i never had free days while i was working, but holidays and the occasional radiation leak don't happen that often. i worked at the lab for more than a year and i guess i'd fallen into a routine. that's not to say that i even liked the routine, but it was there so i followed it.
in all likelihood, the issue is deeper then the fact that i'm just, in essence, bored. well, there's always that innate desire to be "useful" and to have "meaning" thing. is that not just part of the human condition? or do some people truly have no desire to impact anyone or anything? i think i'm half and half. i want/need to contribute something. but i have no idea where i want to do that. this job that i recently left didn't bring me any personal fulfillment besides the knowledge that i gained a lot of lab experience. i don't even know if i want to stay in my field..
i wonder how other people think of it.. if i had the skills and knowledge to contribute to the labratory study and research of a human disease and i just chose not to- is that doing some injustice? of course, whose to say that i'll contribute at all, but that is the nature of research. you really don't know if you'll find anything. if i knew that i was never going to find anything then it really wouldn't matter if i did it or not. good thing we don't know that. if so many scientists knew ahead of time that they would never discover or uncover something then they would have jumped ship earlier. but then again, i don't know that either.. so i guess i can't say.
i guess that still leaves me with my predicament. find another job? i guess so. maybe being employed motivates me to do all the other work that i have: school, ministry, guitar stuff. i noticed that while i was working i still took care of all that other stuff too. last week i did squat.. in all those categories. i need to be busy to get busy. i can't just become busy all by myself. i need to find busy, get it to hire me, and then we're back in business.
you see what i did there?
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| kelly and katherine are in my room right now. DEEP THINGS. | | |
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